So what’s with all the big ol’ sluts in congress? And sprinkled in governors’ mansions around the country and (not occasionally) occupying the White House? Much as I’d like to blame this one on “our society” – or my other favorite gross generalization, “my generation” – the cliché combination of power and infidelity is old as dirt (lying, cheating dirt, if we’re speaking specifically). Don’t believe me? Here are a few factoids that would have made Social Studies class just a little more interesting:
- Thomas Jefferson (or possibly one of his relatives, but let’s go with the big man himself, in the spirit of supporting evidence) was confirmed in 1998 to have fathered the children of Sally Hemings, one of his slaves. Yup, they DNA’d that shit. Maybe we should be saving those supercool sciency resources for more… pertinent cases? Like the 400 people currently on Death Row in Texas? But I digress.
- In 1920, the GOP paid Carrie Phillips (Warren Harding’s mistress) over $20,000 ($215,736.66 today, adjusted for inflation) to agree to a lifetime gag order so they could get ol’ Warren elected president. She took it – smart girl.
- Eleanor caught FDR red-handed during his 20-year affair with her secretary, Lucy Mercer, and actually offered to give him a divorce so the lovers could be together. Sadly for Frankie, though, Lucy ain’t want no part o’ that baby mama drama.
- JFK – need I say more? His infidelity was about as subtle as a gun.
- Bill Clinton (arguably my favorite president, despite his douchebaggery in this particular scenario) gave up a pretty solid public opinion track record, every last shred of personal credibility, and countless taxpayer-funded hours for a girl who – please pardon the crassness of this expression – didn’t even swallow. And he’s not even the worst of them.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger (who would continue to be among my least favorite human beings even if he found a cure for AIDS and invented zero-calorie Haagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream) did the deed with his maid – such a porn cliché that I have to wonder whether we should suspect his pizza delivery man as well. And have you seen her? I’m sure she has redeeming qualities – most people do – but I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you can convince me that she’s in any way more awesome than Maria Shriver.
- Eliot Spitzer paid over 80 GRAND for sex at various points in his political career. And Silda Spitzer is HOT. I understand the appeal of gettin’ some strange, but really, Eliot? Did you have to go there? Did you really think that the mysterious displacement of funds would go unnoticed? Idiot.
- Saving the best for last – this guy’s name is WEINER!!! – Anthony Weiner Tweeted a picture of his junk to a lovely young coed and then backtracked like it was his job to cover it up. Weiner strikes me as even more ridiculous than any of these other clowns - at least for the rest of them, there was sex involved. Men like the penis-touching, and sometimes that gets in the way of logical thought. But a picture? Really, dude? You couldn’t have lived without doing that?